Free Yourself

-You shot yourself?
- Yeah, bu it's ok.

How I love christmas

Gypsies trying to sell cheap/stolen perfume boxes. Everyone asking for your charity. The runs to the malls. Oh! How I love this...

Thank God it's raining.

How to do spells 101/Greastest shooting ever.

Come to Barreiro!

We have drive by shootings now.

We all walk in circles

This is what I am. This is what I do.

How to go to college with a smile on your lips 101

Christmas is coming

Dear Santa,

This year, forget the socks. Instead, bring me loads of money so I can spend it all in a luxury whorehouse.

Thank you,
Sea B.

Becoming an Hooligan Everyday: Més que un club

A team that plays like a piton, that completely destroys any team who's put in front of them, and now, a month before being revealed who's the best player of 2010, we already know it will be a Barça player. More than deserved for Iniesta, Xavi and Messi. And like that wasn't enough, Pep Guardiola, ex-player of Barça and now Barça's manager, is one of the nominees for the best manager of the year. It is indeed more than a club.

Barça més que un club.

Derelicts III

Her vicious blonde hair. Her bright blue eyes. Her milky like pale skin. Her velvet touch. Everything so just GodFuckingDamn perfect. Her voice, her lips, her tender look... So perfect. Just perfect.

Monday morning fuck off music

Cheap horror movie

Yap

More than 3 years later since I've seen this for the first time, and still makes perfect sense in my mind...

Small Thoughts

One day I'll fuck it all up. One day, my son. One day. You'll see.

Ah e tal. Está fresquinho. E passado uma semana ainda desato-me a rir só de me lembrar que o Real levou 5 secos do Barça.

By doing nothing, we gave it away

Taken from "V for Vendetta", Written by Alan Moore and Illustrated by David Lloyd.

P.S.: So that people see there is still more than soccer here (and because United lost against West Ham... Fuck!)

Becoming an Hooligan Everyday: Man United - Blackburn Rovers

Berba-tov-tov-tov

He told city to Fuck Off!

Becoming an Hooligan Everyday: Barcelona - Real Madrid

Carrega Messi! Carrega Inesta! Carrega Xavi! Carrega Guardiola! 5-0 Caralho!

E foi assim que começou:

Becoming an Hooligan everyday

Remember, Remember the 5th of November

Remember, Remember
The Fifth of November
The Gunpowder, Treason and Plot
I know of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Start dressing like a man. Start talking like one.

I mean you no harm at all

7/12, probably the last and only concert I'm going to attend till this year's finally. Woven Hand, Santiago Alquimista, 7th of December.

Sister - A Storm of Light

"TIDES ARE WARMING BROTHER
AND SOON YOU'LL BE COMING HOME
MY SALTEN VEINS HAVE FOUND YOU
AND THEY BRING YOU BACK HERE TO ME

YOUR ARMS EMBRACED THEM
AND LEFT ME ALL ALONE
A MILLION YEARS OF REIGN
AND NOW IT IS MY TURN TO RISE

FALL DOWN AND GIVE YOURSELF
RISE WITH ME
ENDLESSLY WE WILL CRUSH
SUFFOCATE AND RUIN
COME HOME TO ME AND RISE

AND WE HAVE WEPT FOR THEM
SWALLOWED THEM
DISSOLVED THEIR BLACK HEARTS
AND SAVED MOTHER
FROM THEIR CRIMES AGAINST US

REST DOWN YOUR KNIVES
SINK INTO ME
AS ONE WE RISE
RISE
AND BRING THEM ALL
INTO OUR HEARTS

OCEAN MOUNTAINS OF MASS
AND LARGER WE BECOME
OUR WAVES WILL EMBRACE ALL
AND TURN THEIR SCARS INTO DUST
TOGETHER WE WILL PUT THEIR
SOULS TO REST
UNDER US

WE HAVE THEIR SHIPS OF VIOLENCE
HELD TIGHT AND RUSTING

WE HAVE THEIR TOWERS OF GREED
HELD BENT AND TANGLED

CRYSTALLINE WAVES OF OUR BODIES
COME FOR YOU
RISE FOR YOU"

Almost forgot how great is this one.

Epic

Here I am advertising Derek Hess again...

This is what happens when you pass the steering wheel to someone who doesn't have a drivers license

Travelling

Speaking Italian 101 by Peter Griffin

Broken glass

Mesa - "Boca do Mundo"

Eat my flesh

Another Derek Hess print.

5 a.m. thoughts

There ain't much to say... Fought stupid wars and I still fight stupid wars... And I am sorry for most of them... Most of them were condemned to failure and loss since day one... Most of them were against myself... But I am not sorry for fighting them. I had to, I just had. All along I have been just a pawn most of times. Unlocking doors, jumping off cliffs, putting myself in front of a runaway train... I just had to. My mind doesn't admit turning back and just admits failure in well proved lost causes. Do you see? Shit turning to shit since the beginning.

It is unfair most of the times. I blindfold myself so that I cannot see the harm I am doing to myself. No, I am not sorry for most of those who I've harmed, they had it coming. And no, I am not sorry on myself, self-pity is a gift for those who don't have a fucked up ego and/or are egocentric. Yes, apparently, you can have a fucked up ego and still be an egocentric... But they usually don't end well.

This is no art, this is no Sun Tzu book. This is plain stupidity. This is a quick step over the edge between being on top to being used to everything. Yes, I have been used and I am not gonna be a hypocrite creep and say I have never used anyone in my life. I've been used to show things others could just dream because of their utmost stupidity and weakness. Their fear for somethings completely harmless. And so, they use others, use them and then throw them away because they think they have no use anymore while they show them selfs as peacocks with all their plumage... But their plumage is fake and so are them. Of course nobody cares, the plumage is so "beautiful" that nobody cares. Nobody cares while others rot in their pride. Not because they want to be part of this fashion, but because they just want a decent thank you. But why should they thank anything, you're just another pawn. You were just there to see the new prom queen because she needed you to open the door for her. And so we keep. The new prom queen contaminates even more an already contaminated world, while you're contaminated by your own poison that is pride.

Spiritual Transcendence

Pre-Fight

20th Year of the Wolf

Well, another year as passed by this wretched soul. Like always, passed almost all day thinking about the shit I've done during this passed year. Done a lot, so it's even more normal that I have this kind of behavior... Joining the fact that I, as always, had a shit night (thank you subconscious and unconscious), well, nice cocktail indeed. Besides that, normal day expect the fact that I had cake (hurrayyy).

Well, this times are usually taken to do promises we don't intend to keep so I'm not gonna write any of them. Gonna write some objectives for this year.

Primary Objectives:

- Getting my drivers license;

- Do, at least, half a semester in college;

- Stop giving a fuck about shitty people.

Secundary:

- Reach the 100 geocaches;

- Stop smoking;

- Getting my second tattoo done;

- Getting my lip and eyebrow pierced;

- Go to Roadburn 2012 (this one is in advanceand is just in case the world really ends in December 2012)

That's all, wanna thank all of you who helped so far, all of you who I love and respect. Wanna thank all the bastards who tried to fuck me, and those who have done it indeed.

Cycles II

Everything is getting again on the starting point. Seize it, or fuck it. Won't have another chance at this.

Schizoid

Fear

I am Jack's smirking revenge.

Finally saw Fight Club, great movie. Yada, yada, yada. If you're one of the few (I think) who hasn't seen it, go do it.

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

Illusions: In the mind of a beast

Growling, clenched teeth, heart beating like a train running late... That's how I am in the face of a new challenge...

Killed every prey that have crossed my troubled path... I was supposed to be a God among mere mortals... Instead, I am hated by everyone... I am alone surrounded by other beasts awaiting their time to take what is mine... The only thing that is mine... My pride, my honor. They know, oh yes they know I will fight back! I must, I can and I will! My clenched teeth will open and I'll bit everything that'll stand in my way! I'll break some necks if I need to because what I have to lose will die with me. Have no family, they're all dead. Have no friends, they're all dead. Have no soul, she's dead. The difference between me and the devil is that I exist.

Now that you know this, I will stop growling like I am afraid of you. I'll unclench my teeth because I am ready to fight. And my heart will slow down because you're half way dead. Goodbye.

Bleak Visions: IV

I looked at you and the only thing I could do was to show you a sarcastic and sadistic laugh. Pathetic, weak, no sense of what was surrounding you. Ahahah! Didn't have my number anymore, didn't y'a? Pathetic... Just plain pathetic... Even had to reassure you that it wouldn't hurt... Told you that the knife would go so deep that it would be a quick death. Well, I've lied to y'a. Never had the intentions of killing y'a, just wanted to please my sadistic desires. But hey! You had the knife in front of you for all this time, you could have escaped or, at least, try and stop all of this but you thought you were still in control. Pretty dumb mistake and it happens to the best although this ain't that case...

Never forget with what y'a're dealing with, never! This ain't the last time you'll have to face this situation, but this was probably the only one you could have prevented. Now? You've asked me, now you'll lie still while I finish you're unfinished businesses. Didn't had nothing to gain, but once again, you you're always the one with all the weapons, not me. You were the stupid one, and now, you'll have to pay for your stupidity. Quoting numerous villains and anti-heroes: See you in hell.

Late Nights

Half of my late night company. Enjoy.

Let the hunting begin

How does it feel to be on the receiving edge?

I am one with dark winged feathers

Dog Days

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And i never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run"

Because I like redheaded girls, because Florence Welch is hot and because two or more good reasons.

I can see through it

Bleak Visions: III

I told her, prove that you love me. She kissed me... Later that night, I kissed her for what I hoped to be a last time. Don't have many more memories of that night. I've learned something that I dreadfully already knew but didn't want to accept. "Mankind" in all its glory, had put myself on the edge of a cliff again. Nobody pushed me, they just said to me "jump", I just had to jump... And I'll continue jumping from cliffs until all the secrets of mankind are revealed to me. I'll continue jumping while I get somewhat aroused by what I don't know.

Yes, the all thing of blaming mankind when it was only one or two persons who fucked you, is a clichet, but the truth is, all of us are capable of commiting this mistakes, and most of us are even willing of doing it, so yes, I blame mankind for all the stupity I see. I drank the poison, but it was mankid that put the glass in front of me.

Derelits II

Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Forget everything. Feelt that? Ok. Next time, do that and jump. As it goes by, it becomes easier.

Bleak Visions: Poisened Rats

Baby rat passes in front of me. Cute fellow is fearing my presence and hides. Poor little animal, so little and probably, already full os all sorts of diseases... There is trash everywhere I look. From broken bottles to empty packs of cigarettes, even underwear... No respect for nothing and no one, not even what has created us.

I walk around most of the times thinking that the greatest thing that could happen to nature would be the complete annihilation of the human race. We kill everything, we mess with what should not be messed and when disasters happen, we just say it was not our fault.No one is different from this, not even me. Our adquired nature is to destroy everything around us. Is to forget good values. Things like honour and truth do not have place in the real world anymore.

Mankind is acting like a self-eating, self-destructing cancer and we have nothing but ourselves to blame. Our long and excrutiating death is upon us and there is nothing we can do anymore. We said goodbye to those chances a long time ago.

Bottom - Tool ft. Henry Rollins

My compassion is broken now
My will is eroded now
Desire is broken now
It makes me feel alive
I'm on my knees and burnin'
My piss and moans are the fuel that sets my head on fire
So smell my soul burn
I'm broken lookin' up to see the enemy
And I have swallowed the poison you feed me
But I survive on the poison you feed me
Guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed
And it makes me feel ugly
On my knees and burnin'
My piss and moans are the fuel that sets my head on fire
I'm dead inside

Shit adds up, shit adds up, shit adds up, shit adds up at the bottom

If I let you, you would make me destroy myself
In order to survive you, I must first survive myself
I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you
There's no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you
I've gone to great lenghts to expand my threshold of pain
I will use my mistakes against you, there's no other choice
I'm shameless now, I'm nameless now, I'm nothing now, I'm no one now
But my soul must be iron 'cause my fear is naked
'Im naked and fearless
And my fear is naked

Dead inside, dead inside, dead inside
Nameless now, shameless now, nothing now, no one now
Shit adds up
And you see me naked now
Fearless now, naked now
Shit adds up
It leaves me dead inside

Hatred keeps me alive
Angriness keeps me alive
Weakness keeps me alive
Guilt keeps me alive
At the bottom

Bleak Visions: "The AA Meeting"

I'm D.E.. No need for real name here. The fact that none of you really cares about it, makes it trash information. Don't worry, we are all the same, there is just a few who know it.

I'm a claustrophic, semi-agoraphobic, paranoid schizoid. This place is suffocating. Shallow persons, liers, thieves, any kind of scum, I'll answer with hate. This godforsaken place just brings misery to everyone. No one cares about values anymore. All your rush in achieving something... Bullshit. Your rush is not to achieve anything at all unless you thing by screwing someone just because, you'll achieve anything at all.

There ain't real feelings anymore. How can you say you love someone if you're not willing to understand and accept it? Don't come with the "Oh! Love doesn't need understanding and the acception ", it is patetic. How can you hate something that is just like you? How can you dare to say that you're going to fight for something when you are too afraid to bleed?

This godforsaken place is the land of imorality, lack of values and hipocrisy. And we are all stuck in here... Together.

Locked doors

Should I or shouldn't I? Openning doors, for me, is something I like to do. Forget the fear, just give myself away to the mysteries. There is no "ignorance is bliss" in here. If a door comes in my way, I have to open it. I may say, I don't want to but, eventually, there will be the need to do it.

"Vi Veri Veniversum Vicus Vici" - "By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe"

Derelits

There are certain moments made for expressions like "Fuck off!", "Get lost!" or "Shut up!". But what to do when you're alone on those moments?

We all wear masks

Estrelas Decadentes

I Wanna Make It with Chu

"You wanna know if I know why?
I can't say that I do,
I don't understand the evil eye,
Or how one becomes two.
And I just can't recall what started it all,
Or how to begin in the end,
I ain't here to break it,
Just see how far it will bend,
Again and again,

I wanna make it,
I wanna make it wit chu,
Anytime, anywhere,
I wanna make it,
I wanna make it wit chu,

Sometimes the same is different,
but mostly it's the same
these mysteries of life, that just ain't my thing
if I told you that I knew about the sun and the moon,
I'd be untrue,
The only thing I know for sure
Is what I wanna do,
anytime, anywhere and I say

I wanna make it, (again and again)
I wanna make it wit chu,
Anytime, anywhere,
I wanna make it, (again and again)
I wanna make it wit chu,
I wanna make it, (anytime, anywhere)
I wanna make it wit chu,
I wanna make it,
I wanna make it wit chu.

I wanna make it, (again and again)
I wanna make it wit chu,
I wanna make it, (anytime, anywhere)
I wanna make it wit chu,
I wanna make it, (again and again)
I wanna make it wit chu,
I wanna make it, (again and again and again and again and again..)"

Dedicated to... Well no one, I think. For now.

Rain

Perception

Woke up, and suddenly, there was light. Now I see why this place reeks... It looks like an open air dump, there's garbage and human shit everywhere. Yes, there are also other persons in here... But... How should I put this? They all must be blind and deaf... Emotionless too... Everyone walks around without looking at each others, sometimes going at each others but it's like going against a wall, they just try contour and follow with their lifes... I have to be carefull in here... If they were all having sex, this would be my idea of carnival bizarre gone worng... Everyone is naked, walking around their own filth... Shit, I think I'm going to throw up just for watching all of them falling, crawling and walking on their own shit.

Lost track of time. Hours? Weeks? Months? Years? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm traped in here... For how long? Don't even know if I want to know that... I think it would just leave me in a way more depressive and numb state... Look at me already, I'm already talking to myself... I am alone, I stink, the few times in which I can sleep are just a sign of nightmares... The only two people who could help me, I threated them like shit and don't know where to find them... This is getting out of hand...

26th july, 2010. 07h01 p.m.

Fuck! I hate your "perfect" little world... 'T'was built on not so perfect huge lies... Everyone seems happy, but they're all alone... They don't even trust themselves anymore, they're reasons to live are bleak and easily refuted by themselves...

Everyone has stopped looking for something higher than them, they only care about they're huge egos and ways of making them even bigger... No, no my friends, I'm not talking about searching for God or some other divine "existences". I'm talking about cooperation, trying to fix this shitty society. Trying to implant some values, for god's sake! But no, instead of that we value mediocraty and kissing ass... But just because you say you don't polute, you thing your a role model... Just because you gave money to some ass who only thinks about is next dose, you think your a good person... Let me tell you something new, you're not!

You want me to respect you? No, that ain't gonna happen until you say "FUCK YOU!" to your "perfect" little world, and start creating something that you can really be proud of. Something real and honest... But I know that ain't going to happen, lost my faith in real miracles a long time ago...

26/07/2010, 07h17 p.m.

Blurred

Quick Thought

Words are like daggers. I'm learning how to kill.

First day

A principio é simples, anda-se sózinho
passa-se nas ruas bem devagarinho
está-se bem no silêncio e no borborinho
bebe-se as certezas num copo de vinho
e vem-nos à memória uma frase batida
hoje é o primeiro dia do resto da tua vida

Pouco a pouco o passo faz-se vagabundo
dá-se a volta ao medo, dá-se a volta ao mundo
diz-se do passado, que está moribundo
bebe-se o alento num copo sem fundo
e vem-nos à memória uma frase batida
hoje é o primeiro dia do resto da tua vida

E é então que amigos nos oferecem leito
entra-se cansado e sai-se refeito
luta-se por tudo o que se leva a peito
bebe-se, come-se e alguém nos diz: bom proveito
e vem-nos à memória uma frase batida
hoje é o primeiro dia do resto da tua vida

Depois vêm cansaços e o corpo fraqueja
olha-se para dentro e já pouco sobeja
pede-se o descanso, por curto que seja
apagam-se dúvidas num mar de cerveja
e vem-nos à memória uma frase batida
hoje é o primeiro dia do resto da tua vida

Enfim duma escolha faz-se um desafio
enfrenta-se a vida de fio a pavio
navega-se sem mar, sem vela ou navio
bebe-se a coragem até dum copo vazio
e vem-nos à memória uma frase batida
hoje é o primeiro dia do resto da tua vida

E entretanto o tempo fez cinza da brasa
e outra maré cheia virá da maré vazia
nasce um novo dia e no braço outra asa
brinda-se aos amores com o vinho da casa
e vem-nos à memória uma frase batida
hoje é o primeiro dia do resto da tua vida.

Rorschach's Journal, October 12th, 1985

Taken from "Watchmen" written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Dave Gibbons

Ah! Perfect evening plan!

Second day of vacations. All is cool, went work out this afternoon. Fuck! I'm really out of shape, felt like I had been shot in a lung. But I behaved well today, so fuck it! I deserve it ahah.



Now, should I stay in front of the computer, or should I go to the living room play gta? Tough choice...

Somewhere in Scotland

I'll kiss the person who tells me where this is!

Drunk with... Well, DUH!

Hmmmm, well... One maths exam, one bottle of cheap Ports Wine, two coffees and five cigarretes later, I'm drunk, on vacations and finally care free! Fuck off all of you who I don't really care about and don't really want on my life!!!! Just... Fuck... The... Fuck... Off...

True

Another Derek Hess prints. This guy is The Man

Truth

- What is the truth? What is Real? Why the fuck do I have the need of trying to know and understand something that probably will only break me? Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?
- Stand still, it's almost over...

Thinking about what should be nothing

It's at the nightime I feel more alone... It's at the nightime I'm left alone with all of my thoughts, beliefs and memories. What hurts I end up making it hurt me more. What feels good, I tend to forget it.

It's useless to say to any person in this situation "you have to cheer up, man!", just plain useless. When we're left alone, we need to see by ourselves 'till when and 'till what we can survive.

When time to break comes, I'll break it, and break it twice so just that I don't have to pass by some shit again!

What the??? Why is she smoking???

This is going to hurt!

All I Wanna Do Is to Love Everyone

Bad Omen

- I think I'm starting to understand how this works... You're like a sign of shit to come, right?
- You can see things that way.

Black Cloud

'Cause sometimes this is just how you feel...

Note: Drawing by Derek Hess

Have a cigar

Fighting like an animal

Vengeance is love

Will write a review once I have my ideas in order.

Cycles

When certain things aren't right in your life for a large period of time, you start noticing that certain types of events occur on a somewhat cyclic way.

Coyote & Road Runner

After reading all the Coyote Rules at T's blog, I had to make a quick visit to my childhood. Looney Toons will always rule!

They came from the sun

Almost nostalgic behaviour

It's 4h39 a.m. and I'm listening to some Cohen (Not the GREATEST albuns but a great album (Various Positions))and missing old times...



First of all, introductions. I'm the idiot trying to look like a vamp on the pic, then there is my brother, Nuno, and there's Marta, his gilfriend.

I don't consider myself to be a nostalgic person, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't missing these days. Nuno and Marta are two of the persons that most helped me in the last year or so. They were there with me in some striking moments. My first piercing and tattoo, when life was getting shittier by the second, you understand. They were also "responsable" for showing me some things in life that I didn't noticed before.

Well, time to see if I get some sleep now.

ST

- Did you come alone?
- What do you think?
- Shit!

Dysfunction

In an unclearing shatter of light, the bells stoped ringing... For the first time in ages, I felt asleep. Everything seemed bright and silent. I can't remember what I dreamt... I just remember I was in peace with myself...

Under the Surface

Almost everyone "wants" to say they are emotionally bleak on "sentimental" music... Not everyone reaches that...



The shell is hollow! And so am I!

Trough Silver in a Sun that Never Sets

I've talked about it before, now here it is, my first tattoo.

Unconscious Awakening

I've been walking around in circles for... Fuck! Lost notion of time... This is keeping darker and darker, having eyes is starting to get useless... That bell makes it harder for me to get a little notion of orientation... Everything smells the same... Everywhere I go, there's that putrid smell of garbage... All the doors and windows are closed and locked... I wonder what place is this... And what was that guy talking about? I'm stuck in here, so I could give it a try, but how much can I trust in a guy that says he is me?... I guess not that much... And all of my supposed potencial... WHAT THE FUCK was he talking about? Reading minds? For what? To hear some asshole thinking about fucking? Almost nobody thinks anything besides eating, drinking, sleeping or fucking anymore! Most of those who think something beyond that, only think about fighting... Wow! What's that? Fuck! I'm seeing some light finally

- Hi.
- Wha?!

This wasn't the cold but pacient voice of the supposed me... Suddenly I felt shivers all over my spine... I knew that voice...

- He said you would react that way. - She smilled to him
- Do I know you? Your voice is terribly familiar... Have we met before?
- Of course we've met before. We're inside your head...

She kept on smilling while I was trying to figure out where did I met her, who was she, and why the fuck she was smilling...

-Why are you smilling and do you can read my thoughts to?
- I'm smilling because I was curious to see you here. No, I can't to that, you can relax now.
- Where have we met and why are you curious?
- It's definitely you... The same suspicious person... - Her eyes began to sparkle.
- You seem happy about it... - He was know adopting a more defensive positivion. - You still haven't answered my questions...
- It's fair. We've met a long time ago, you almost don't remember me now, but we used to be great friends back in the "old days".
- Like when we were kids?
- Yes, why?
- Don't want to offend you but... You look older than me. At least you look older than me when I last saw myself on a mirror.
- No ofense taken.
- Well, at least you can't read my mind.
- Ahahahah! Well, he did that just to be sure it was you. When a person enters your life, part of that person gets stuck on your mind. It's a usual "procedure" but from time to time, there is someone who gets so stuck on you that you stop controlling yourself. He doesn't get rid of it, that would kill part of you, he kind'a looks them.
- Ok... What the fuck?
- Yes, it's weird to know how your mind works on certain ocasions... - Her look changed.
- Why are you staring at me that way?
- All of that is your fault!
- Wow! Calm down!
- You've almost died you prick!
- Ok, this is getting awkward...

WTF?! I've almost died?! Am I in a coma or something? And who is she, I know she is lying about where we've met...

- Thanks to your careless attitude, you've almost died. Why do you think YOU've became colder? It doesn't refflect that much on your life for now, but somedayn it will!
- Ok lady, I think it's time for me to get out of here...
- Where are you going?
- There's that light over there, I wan't to give it a try.
- Don't be stupid! In fact, stop being stupid for a minute!
- That's it, I'm going there!
- No, you're not! Or better yet, if you go there, no one, and I repeat this, NO ONE will go there to save you! Not even yourself. - She took off... Disappeared in that misty darkness...

Mind hole

It is dark in here, there's a bell ringing every minute, it smells like garbage. I don't know where I am, where I were and where I supposed to be... But fuck! This place is completely uninhabitable... I haven't seen nobody since god knows when and I almost pretty sure I'm not going to find anyone here... Who would live in such a place? Really... This smell... Fuck! I would rather smell my own piss and my own shit than smelling this... And this bell... I just want to make it stop...

- Hi there.
- What the fuck? Who are you and what is this place?
- You know who I am... This place... You'll find it out soon.
- Do you live in here?
- Of course, what else explanation would exist for me being here?

He's right? Why the fuck should anyone be in this place if he didn't lived here...

- Then why am I here? Last time I checked, I didn't live in here... Fuck! And why is that fucking bell ringing every minute?
- You're here because you need to be here. The bell is ringing because YOU need to stay awake...

Great, all that I needed now, some weirdo with phylosophic/psychologic bullshit answers...

- Could you be more, let's say, direct?
- I don't see any riddles in here...
- You don't? Then tell me why do I have to be in here and why do I have to stay awake?
- You just do... You need to learn your secrets...
- What secrets?
- You don't really know where you are?!
- If I knew I wouldn't be asking... I think!
- Oh! You think!

Great! Now is mocking me...

- Well, this is your mind... It doesn't smell like garbage like you say... You're the one dirty and polluted...
- WHAT THE...?
- I knew you were going to react that way. Let's walk.

Fuck, this is one of those guys who doesn't know how to talk and walk at the same time... I need to get out of here and this guy, instead of giving me answers wants to go to a FRICKING WALK!!!!

- You should stop thinking like that...
- Hu?!
- Yes, you should stop thinking like that?
- How the fuck?
- Yes, I can hear your thoughts... And besides that, I'm you...
- Ok man, I don't know what the fuck have you been into to, but you're starting to scare me!
- Don't be. And we're here.
- Smells nice...

Ok, at least it doesn't smell like garbage anymore...

- Well, are you interested in what I have to say to you or do you want to get away from here?
- Where here, at least I hear what you have to say...

Made me walk and now asks me if I want to hear... What a dumbfuck...

- We're here because you need to know how to control you're mind, so that you can ascend to your full potencial or at least, to live almost at your full potencial. And once again, I'm you so don't start insulting us...
- What do you mean? Full potencial? Han?
- Reading minds, see the true colors of reality, know the past, the real present and the future, having more hability to learn. You won't control it, but you can change your course. Of course, the past is done, there ain't nothing you can ever change after it's done, but present and future is way more abstract, there are a million ways you can walk and most of the times you'll only see the more obvious, when that happens, you just have make a choice, go for what you see or try a different aproach. Learning skills doesn't mean you'll learn everything, you'll just have a greater performance, your mind you'll be more open to certain things.
- Wait, wait, wait! Are you saying that I'll be able to know my own future?
- Sort of, the future is completely abstract, everyday doors open and close it's complicated.

This is getting creepy...

- It's normal to feel that way... I'm offering you the possibility of being an almost demigod. The power has the hability to corrupt the purest mind, and you should be afraid...
- I'm not afraid, I just don't know if I believe you... You come here in this hellhole, tell that you can read my mind and that you're me, and then tell me that I can evolve into something... It is kind'a weird...
- Well, that is what I have to offer, believe it or not. For now, I'll have to leave you alone, see you later...

What the fuck?! Am I supposed to believe in all of this?! Am I supposed to stay here?! Oh, wait! Where the fuck is that weird'o?!

Deep in the Well

S.f.L.

And the days became nights... And the nights became darker... There was nothing left to do besides searching for the light...

Concert Review: Roadburn 2009

Well, it has passed more than a year since Roadburn so, things are a little hazy. Besides that, is hard for me to describe some things, had problems at the time doing it, and they're still here.





Tuesday night April 21, time to start preparing the bag, confirm trips and here is the first problem... The flight back was booked to 26th June instead of 26th April... Instead of having my last good night sleep before coming back from Holland, me and Napalmneto were up until aproximately 3 a.m. trying to solve this "little" problem... Like I wasn't already nervous enough, I had to learn the hard way why should you triple check your plain tickets when bought online...

Wednesday April 22, It was time to go, we were still a bit stressed about the plain tickets but there was nothing we could do until we reach Sá Carneiro Airport in Oporto. Train till Oporto once we arrived we waited for Amebix to show up so we could finally head to the airport. The plain ticket saga continued with Napalmneto talking for almost 20m/half an hour with some ryanair employer who was in Ireland. The result was that we ended up doing reservations for the returning flight with another company.

Two hours till we reach Belgium soil, the Brussels airport was in fact like one hour away from Brussels. To get really to brussels we had to get a bus runned by some angry guys, probably argelian/marroquin/whatever descendents, at some point I was asking myself "how the fuck are we going to get out of here?!". Fortunately, the bus leaved us right in the train station we needed to be. We met once again some fellow portuguese who were also going to Roaburn. The three of us went on a journey to find somewhere to eat and minutes lates, voilá! We find a café runned by portuguese, with portuguese beer and minis! Ended up eating and drinking, we headed back to the station were we would spend the night. After a couple of hours trying to resist sleeping some of us ended up using journey bag has a pillow and slept on the ground (especially me lol).

Thursday April 23 (Roadburn day 1), We woke up early, the phenomenons kept happening, this time, most of us woke up after some security guys started chasing a thieve, nice way to wake up ahah. Eating something, buy the train tickets to Tilburg. I have to admit, on this journey I just woke up to change train somewhere in Holland. Once we got to Tilburg, the land of the mighty riff, me and Napalmneto headed to Arjen's "hotel". Sleep a little bit. When I wake up, I meet some of the personages with whom we would share the place. Albin, Viktor, Tobias and Simon, four sweds who would start drinking has soon as they would wake up!

Half an hour walk since Arjen's place to the 013 where the fest was held on, and we where there!

Well, first speaking of the place itself, never I've been in a concert with such great conditions, 3 stages (Main Stage, Green Room and Bat Cave). All the bands I've seen add a near perfect sound.

Program for the day:
- Baroness (Main Stage)
- Orange Goblin (Main Stage)
- Amon Düül II (Main Stage)
- Zu (Green Room)
- Wolves in the Throne Room (Green Room)

We entered Ufomammut had already ended their gig and it was almost time for Baroness start playing. During the soundcheck, they started playing Iron Maiden's "The Trooper" (not that sure), that provided a sort of weird happiness, can't explain. They gave a good concert, at the time I saw in them a less "metalish" version of Mastodon. Good musicians, shitty vocals, and the concert was all around that. At the time they had only one album and two EPs, most of the setlist was taken from "Red Album". Good way to start the festival (for me).

Orange Goblin came and rocked the hell of that place! Stoner rock attitude all the way! At some point of the gig, the vocals of the band said something like "this is the best festival ever" (not in those exact words), altough it was my first time there and only being there for nearly two hours, thi came in my mind has an acquired fact. Nothing much to say about Orange Goblin, it was a great rock 'n' roll concert.

Like food was too damm expensive in the 013, we ended up having dinner at a turkish "restaraunt" near the place. After it, we headed to 013 again, Amon Düül II were already playing in the Main Stage, and this was my first disappointment of the night. I knew they were really old now, after all Phalus Dei, their first record, dates from 1969! But well, I was used to hear the woman singing really out of tune, and I didn't mind at all, it had some touch in there that I don't know how to explain, but the rest of the singers... One of them sounded like a really old man screaming for his meds...

With this said, I went on to the Green Room to see the italians Zu who, a few months earlier, had their work recognized by critics all over the world after releasing "Carboniferous" by Ipecac records (Mike Patton's label). This one was, for me, the best concert of the first day. Really noise music, samples of dogs barking, really talented musicians. There ain't much more I can ask for.

After this, time to smoke and get back in again to watch Wolves in the Throne Room. This was the band I wanted to see the most on the first day. Well, good black metal meets post-whatever concert, but I don't know if it was of me being to tired, Zu concert was still hitting me hard or if it was really Wolves that were a "down" for the day. The concert was competent but not much more than that... Probably, I just had my expectations too damm high...



The day was over for me in the concerts matters so, it was waiting for the sweds to get back to Arjen's place. But while the sweds didn't show up, a completely wasted fellow came to talk with me and Napalmneto, the thing I remember the most of what he said is "I'm a drunken Irish bastard on acids" and "I don't have anyplace to sleep, I'm going to try find Wino to see if he can infiltrate me in his hotel room". During that half an hour trip back to the "hotel", Simon was abble to take a piss on the ass of a statue, and most of the times I was watching from far to what the hell they were doing... The guys where nuts.

Friday April 24 (Roadburn day 2), This was the day when the first german guy who I saw two times during the two days got to Tilburg. The guy was almost a ghost and implacable like the sweds were, we ended up laughing a bit at his costs... Another half an hour till 013, this time through a different way, and there we were again.

Program for the day:
- Negurã Bunget (Green Room)
- Bohren Und Dre Club of Gore (Main Stage)
- Steve Von Till/Harvestman (Green Room)
- Mono (Main Stage)
- Cathedral (Main Stage)
- Saint Vitus (Main Stage)
- Scott Kelly (Green Room)

We got there and me and Napalmneto went to see Negurã Bunget, a supposed Experimental Black Metal band from Romania. Experience should have thought me that besides vampires, Romania gives the most overhyped bands in the business (God for example). Two minutes later, Napalmneto has a great idea, "To see this, I see Moonspell back in Portugal, let's see what else is playing". Bohren were playing at the Main Stage, I like them, but only after midnight. Putting Bohren palying at 4 p.m. is has a good idea has trying to make a cat and a dog breed...

After a walk to see the 013 better, it was time to see Neurosis's Steve Von Till. "Hi, I'm Steve Von Till, and this is my spaceship". Playing songs from both of his solo projects (Steve Von Till and Harvestman), this was simple one of the best concerts I've seen. Period. One guy passing out during one of the more psychadelic moments. Psychadelic, minimalistic almost drone moments followed by slaps of distortion that would make you step back! Really honest and violent concert.



After that, burning some time, a fat guy was at the entrance of the Green Room and I thought Atomic Bitchwax were playing for a full room (ended up after the end of their concert that the fat guy was there blocking the entrence just because...) so I went to an almost empty Main Stage where Mono were going to play. Usually, I don't even remember I've saw them there, typical post-rock scene, nothing much to say, apart the Amon Düül II performance, this was the worst concert of the entire 'Burn for me.

After this, went out for a cigarette when I went back to the Main Stage, the place was full has fuck! Nothing that surprised me, after all Cathedral is one of the founding bands of doom and were one of the most anticipated bands of the day. I'm not the biggest fan, but they gave a nice concert, not memorable but it was a good concert.

Well, then me, Napalmneto and Amebix we went to the turkish again, had a nice dinner, when we were just smoking a cigaratte before Saint Vitus concert starts, a Dannish guy aproached us saying he liked our concert, we started staring at each others like, what the...?. After that e basicly talked about 'shrooms, cocaine and his uncle band form Alaska!!! Once again, weirder guys come near me... AHAH!

Saint Vitus were gaving a good concert until they let their drummer do a drumm solo... Kids, if you ever see it, you'll learn that drumm solos in this ocasions and with not so good drummers, are things to avoid. The guitar player did the same thing but he played Batman's theme with overdrive on max! Fuck Yeah! Of course he used so much overdrive that it sounded more like a washing machine trying to get away... Nonetheless, good concert, like Cathedral, it wasn't memorable, but it was good.

Finally, the last concert of the day for me, Scott Kelly from Neurosis, with his acoustic solo project. I had Noah (Neurosis, Blood & Time) behind me all the time singing to. But there ain't much to say, brutally honest concert, he did everything he could do. He also was really communicative, most of the times because people don't know when to shut up but well, he didn't end up to mad about it. Even when a really drunk or high belgian guy started talking to him e just answered "where's Eugene when I need him?", making everyone laugh.



On the way back, more make you laugh your ass out situations, the number one was one of the sweds telling a guy who probably worked in a clothes store (he was with hangers with wheels) and one of the sweds just says "Are you a Taxi? I wanna ride you!"

Saturday April 25 (Roadburn day 3/Beyond the Pale), me and Napalmneto started the day with a snowball fight, that our host and conserved in the freezer. Napalm got a shot to the chest, I almost got one on the balls... We headed to downtown earlier to take care of the train tickets back to Brussels, we still had to take care of the plain tickets once we arrive their. After that, a stop at the grass company, and of we go, last the of the 'Burn that was also the first ever Beyond the Pale in Europe. For those who don't know what Beyond the Pale is, it is a festival where all the bands are invited by non other than Neurosis. Unfornately, one of the bands that was almost going was Amebix. Shitluck, hope they'll make it other time

Program for the day:
- Grails
- Earth
- Eugene Robinson
- The Young Gods
- Zeni Geva
- Neurosis
- Skullflower
- Tribes of Neurot

The concerts started with Grails, a supposely post-rock band. What can I say about them? For me they're as post-rock as Secret Chiefs 3. A lot of "western" influences and... Whatever! It's hard for me to explain how they sound, they just sound great! That's all.



There wasn't a better way to start the day, after them we went on to buy smokes, when we got back, it was time to see Earth. Three songs, they're good but I wasn't really in the mood to see them so I made my only sucessful incursion to the Bat Cave.

Eugene S. Robinson, the lead singer of Oxbow, the black guy who gives concerts with a tank top and underwear, the man who loves to fight! Spoken word show, and for what I know, there were times I was really happy for not being in front of him. He talked about how he used to got beaten when he was a kid, he talked about his love to fight and then... He talked about making other people pay their debts, Mafia Style! He ended the spoken word with only two things to say, the first one, "anyone tells this to the cops I'll just say it's a lie" (not the exact words), and the second thing was, "I'm gonna play a song with my friends, Black Sun". Great collaboration. The only thing that I missed was Eugene not being on his underwear.



Out for some air, the Eugene concert was fucking devastating. Once I got over it, Young Gods at the Main Stage. Good concert, didn't knew a thing from them. Really great concert in my opinion. Alongside the Orange Goblin concert in the first day, this was the most energetic concert there.

Saw a minute or two of Six Organs of Admittance, went for dinner, got back, OM at the Main Stage but I was more interested in Zeni Geva who would start playing a few minutes after. There are few things to describe a concert from this guys, loud as hell, distortion on the max and, like KK Null said, "Life is improvisation... Improvisation is life... C'est la vie...". Great concert, one of my favs.

Time for a quick smoke and then try to get nearest the stage possible, it was time for Neurosis, the moment I've most awaited. Sey based on "Given to the Rising", only 2 songs from "A Sun that Never Sets", other 2 from "Times of Grace" and one from "Through Silver in Blood". It was almost everything I was expecting, this guys gave a Concert. Like Scott Kelly and Steve Von Till solo concerts, very brutal and honest, and that ending was completely mindblowing! Steve and Scott on percursions, a song that we assume that they didn't play it for approximately 10 years. The completely insane freak out of Steve at the end of the concert... It still gives me shivers on my spine...





After this, my mind was completely empty! I just had my primary thoughts. So, it is normal that I entered the Skullflower gig, and couldn't be there more than five minutes.

Getting some, air and watch the final Beyond the Pale/'Burn gig. Tribes of Neurot, the alter-ego of Neurosis. The performance consisted in a more dronish approach. Even the band was more relax. There were times that I felt like I was drowning, others that I was being abducted. Really cool way to end the fest.





After that, it was time to get back to Arjen's place for the last time. This time we had a new addition to the "force", a german guy called Benedikt. If the sweds were already complete psychos, well... This guy made me fear for my life ahah. Since moking a guy that was dressed like a psychadelic chicken ("you're the more psychadelic vision of my night"), to pissing in a fountain with a couple on the other side looking... He said hi, ahah!

Sunday April 26, Me and Napalmneto woke up early, called the Pink Lady Cab (a cab company, with female drivers and pink cabs \m/), headed to the train station. On the way to Brussels, Napalmneto lost is cellphone on the train. Once we got to the central airport, we went on to take care of the plain tickets just to find out that we had to had confirmed the reservations day earlier leading to the following conversation:

Napalmneto - But you still have them?!
Brussels Airlines lady - I' going to check it.
Napalmneto - But you still have them?!
Brussels Airlines lady -Wait! I'm going to check it. We still have them and at the same price.

Once we had the tickets, there were two great frases by Napalmneto the first one, "A mulher até merecia uma garrafa de vinho!" and the second "Só há uma coisa que supera um azar à Fernando... É uma caga à Fernando!". We passed the rest of the time burning time, acording to Napalmneto, he ate the best hamburguer ever in that airport.

Once we got to Portugal I noticed that I smelled a mixture of sweat and drugs... But it was worth it. ahah!

Serene

But still awake