Somewhat life

Gonna talk about my last few months. First of all, I'm used to be disappointed with other people, don't like it, it still fucks my mind, but I'm used to it... Too many bad choices in the friends department in the past made me realize that at sometime, most of my so called friends are going to prove themselfs as something I don't want by my side... Point number two, I usually "suffer" in silence, with myself and by myself, most of this months weren't any different, most people only realized it when I was almost blowing up in ashes... Point number three, I don't think self destruction is a good way, but it's a way. Another point, this will have some kind of chronolagy but I'm going to try not to tell the things bit by bit, that is not my intention, don't want to be boring and I rather that this would be more somewhat focussed on the feelings than in what happened...

Getting forward, a few months back I started to see everything stopping... My life, my relationships, my future, my present, everything. I screwed up a lot of thinks in a not so distant past, and was trying not to do the same thing again, and again, and again, and again... But now, I think, most of the things I've done to put myself on the right track again were done the wrong way or I didn't fight hard enough for it... But seeing myself failing in almost everything time after time made me start not believing in myself, in my capacities and in almost everything that surrounded me. In one side, this was really dificult for me to lose the little few faith I had left in well... Almost everyone basically. On the other hand, it ain't easy openning your eyes to a so shitty reality and that my friends, is has true as my existence. Started seeing that the purity of most people is long gone, it's easier to try to fuck someone and everything in that someone's life than to try evolving, becoming more than a simple vulture waiting for some piece of meat to fall to ground.

Our society is filled by a) sharks, waiting for you to get hurt so they can attack you in a vile way and b) vultures and leeches, waiting the sharks have finnished their business and hoping that they've left some meat left for them. This realization wasn't easy, expecially when they're getting near you and you don't know how the fuck they entered in your life. Like that wasn't stopping, I started to avoid every place I could avoid (concerts and night outs during aproximatly half-year were almost banned from my system). I entered a void of isolation of wich I've just came out little time ago. Isolation is cool, you start to lose touch with everyone that means something to you, it's like burning a house just because you don't like the kitchen... There were few who still remained, one of wich brought me a big desilusion. During the time of desilusion and realization, I quitet the isolation and passed to self destruction. I was in a rampage against myself, I wanted to destroy every bridge that I had created just to start everything again. Some of the bridges refused to fall down, some people refused to let me kill myself in order to kill the cancer. Altough, I had always someone who I could run for, but there were three things that made try and fix it by myself. One, I was and still am to damm proud. Two, my mind was numb because of all I had to pass. Three, I felt like I had gave myself to hatred and loneliness and just wanted to fuck everything in my eye and mind site.

When realization came, I finally opened my eyes for good. Started noticing that the vultures will always be flying around me, noticed that I'm a predator (wounded but still a predator), I was made to kill not to be feed to a pack of low-lifes. And here starts a new journey, my journey now, the numbess of the mind had stopped, the ranging self attacks started to be less intense and I started to focus myself to myself. The attacks were more planned and made in a more straight direction, everything cracks, you just have to know the easiest spot to make it crack. Most of the things I still haven't figured it out. But for now, I'm happy just for having myself back.

Thanks to all of those who helped me and sorry by the rambling